#04

Teary and gloomy

Saturday, November 15, 2014 @ 11:01 pm

Feeling melancholy again.

Well I know I'm supposed to be all on studying.

But is it only me feeling like this now?

I feel that, at this point in life.

What I would really like to do is to go home.

And have a nice big warm hug by my family.

It's really been a long year away from home.

I still have 3 big barriers to get past in the next 2 weeks.

People have been really nice and supportive and I think it really boils down to my own self esteem issues.

It's like.

I have so much self doubt in myself.

Friends tell me, why are you being like that.

Can't you be more positive.

It's really easy to say, but when you're the person standing in my shoes.

When all suddenly seems hopeless and really sad and disastrous.

Like all you want to do is pack your bags and go home.

I have tried.

Really hard not to think about it.

I know I have to get through this phase in life for me to be even stronger.

But it's really hard.

I know over thinking this is indefinitely making it even harder for me.

But I'm really trying my best not to think about it.

The mind is an amazing thing isn't it.

The more you try to not think about things.

The more you think.

It's just human.

Just having that support is really critical.

I don't know how long more I can hold out for without crying my eyes out everynight.

Just a slight trigger, like watching a video with sad music can make me cry.

It's just that bad.

I hope to see happy Clarissa days again.

I long for the day I can smile widely and scream out and be worry free.

But first.

Let me get through this phase in life first.

Be Strong Clarissa.

You have to.

It's the only way to survive in this world (Sad reality of life.)

Love you gran

Monday, November 10, 2014 @ 2:48 pm

Hi Gran
You're really my hero.
I'm glad I called you this afternoon.

You've been really strong the past weeks.
I'm so sorry to hear about Aunty Mary,
Your eye condition is worrying me at the moment.
I know you're scared.
I'm scared too.
I hope to be back to give you support.
Be strong okay.
I'll be there for you.

"Hearing gran sob over the phone this afternoon pained my heart". The strong woman I know reduced to tears.
Her eyes, and she's been lonely.
I really wish I could be back home with her.
She's really my best friend
She's been there for me since I grew up, And it's been a whole lot of roller coasters these couple of years.
I'll be there for you Gran.
I Love You.

我要疯了

Saturday, November 08, 2014 @ 5:57 pm

I really miss home.
I'm at a current state of exhaustion and tiredness and non productivity.
I started crying again tonight.
For no reason.
Because 我是很想家。
我有去看辅导员，我很可能压力真的很大。
她立刻安排星期一再去看她。

At this point in time, I am really tired.
I want to fall into a deep sleep.
I can't annoy gran cause she's not here with me
I can't pop out my head and have a random talk with my parents and then nag at them to tell them not to talk to me because I have work to do, and retreat into my own room.
It's grades grades grades here.

The countless times I've cried this year.
My eyelids and nose is peeling at the moment.
Because they're dry.

Sorrow.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014 @ 7:59 pm

I am technically supposed to go home on the 17th of November which is supposed to be 12 days from today.
Then the exam days came out.
The exam is on the 19th.
Then I was like, okay I shall move the date of my flight to the 25th.
Then as of today, it was 20 days.
Then I received the email of death.
I unfortunately was not successful at my viva.
So technically I failed it yesterday.

I really doubt myself now.
I was so confident when practising my speech.
Then when it came to my viva.
I just stumbled.
I stumbled so bad.
I failed.
Now.
Home seems so far away.
I'm really scared.
I don't know what to think anymore.

You can read this but don't share it.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 @ 2:52 pm

Dear wonderful people of the world.
Hi. It's me again.
I wonder what I'm doing back here on this page.
Hmph.
Perhaps I just need a place where I can just write what I want.
Because it's MY page, and I shouldn't be judged for sharing my inner thoughts.

Well it's week 4 of school already, and it seemed almost like yesterday that I just started my 2nd semester.
I know very well my work is piling up.
I do read ahead of my lectures, and prepare myself for lectures.
But when it comes down to doing the assignments, my brain is fried.
Funny thought?

Aside from that, I've been eating non stop.
It's the bread.
I suddenly can eat so many slices of bread in a day, 1 slice at breakfast with my cereal.
When I usually don't eat bread to begin with.
The amount of carbohydrates I consume is scary too
I feel that I miss eating so much that I may be binge eating what I can right now.

Additionally, there's the exercise component.
Why do people comment and tell me, that I've got alot of time?
Just because I exercise, does that mean I have alot of time?
Don't people make time for things that are important in their lives?
It's just about incorporating it into your daily regime and stuff.
So maybe I haven't been actively posting on other forms of social media that I have a gym membership and that I really do enjoy dance classes?
Hahah so I also probably know that I have the face of a "non-dancer", yeah sure enough I don't usually dance.But I do enjoy dance workouts.
They get my heart rate pumping and also gets me sweating.

Okay, aside from all the above ranting. I really did wish I had something else to do rather than go to school go home go gym eat sleep, and the cycle repeats.
Honestly after the sndc event, it's like a major project is over now. There's nothing much to look forward to.
There are no public holidays I can look forward to.
The mid semester break just mean that I'm closer to oral vivas and the dreaded 3 hour exam at the end of the semester.
Other than that. It's an agonising 90 day countdown when I really get to go home.
To the arms of my family and friends.

I worry constantly about the family situation back home.
Family dynamics not all that good
The in-laws and everything.
I often play the messenger, and I wished things could just go back to how they were pre-study.
Distance.
Being so far away and can't do much for them back here.

So to those that miss me.
Here's my happy face.
But really, deep down inside of me.
I'm not at all happy.

Often I treasure moments when I get happy whatsapps and skype sessions. But I know they don't last forever.
I sound clingy and whiny.
But who isn't?
Home is where the heart is isn't it?

17th November 2014, I really look forward to meeting you.
Haha do I really seem so tough on the outside? That people don't really know what's happening deep down inside below me.
Yes yes, I portray that image pretty well
But I am often reflective and sensitive (says my preferred learning style), which means I do have alot of innermost feelings trapped inside of me. That doesn't show on my face.
So, an occasional are you okay, I know you're not would be good. :')

So anyway.
I'm probably going to go for zumba right now.
Goodbye.